Blabber.

These first few posts may just feel like blabber to you. 

Truthfully,I don’t even know where to start. 

I feel like the past 10 days have just been a whirlwind of emotion; anger, guilt, frustration and even joy. There is so much I feel like I could write about but when I go to sit down and write it, I feel like it disappears. Maybe because half the time I don’t even know what I’m feeling or how to feel? I don’t know. “I don’t know” is something I’ve said a lot since Knox passed. I feel like if I can try to focus on one aspect at a time, I would be successful  in collecting my thoughts but when your child only lives for 8 weeks, it feels like it all runs together. Those 8 weeks happened so fast and even though I feel like we did so much in that time, it feels like a blur. 

I’ve been struggling with comparing days since he left us. Today is 10 days without our baby and that feels like a “milestone” to me; single digit days to double digit days. 10 days was almost a fifth of his life and this “milestone” makes me angry because I feel like we barely got to celebrate any of his milestones with him. We should get to share his first time rolling over, his first time sitting on his own, his first thanksgiving, his 2 months... The list goes on and on and on. One milestone I’m so grateful he hit while he was with us was his “social” smile.  He had that big, gummy, baby smile and although I often feel an overwhelming sadness, when I think about that sweet, sweet smile, I feel thankful and a spark of joy. Let’s be honest though; it’s incredibly hard not to feel angry. I’m sure some of you share that emotion regarding our loss with me. Today, this “10 day milestone” of grief, I find myself  trying to think about what we did in those first 10 days with Knox. I  feel like a fog has just taken over my brain (and honestly my whole body) and I can’t remember which makes me sad, frustrated and confused. There’s really no better way to put it.

I’m going to be really transparent though; I’ve felt overall “okay” these first 10 days. Okay in quotes because how is anyone okay after losing their child? I don’t know (there are those words again) if it’s because of our beyond incredible community wrapping us in love and prayer, if I know deep down where Knox is, we’ve been out of our routine or if because I’m really good at compartmentalizing. My guess is it’s the latter. 

Today was one of our first “normal” days in a while. Up until this point, we have been with friends and family almost constantly and as mentioned, out of our routine. I was too scared to stay at home the first 8 days and sleep in the same bed where we lost our little Knoxyboy. The morning we found him was terrifying and I think it’s probably??? normal to feel traumatized from the events that took place. My very supportive husband (God love him, I don’t know what I would do without him) didn’t pressure me to stay at home and we stayed at his parents for the time being. I can’t even begin to start in on how thankful I am for his mom and the rest of his family. It’s not exactly “fun” to wake up to your grandchild at 5 or 6 am every morning but my in-laws never complained about Beau’s early morning pitter patters during those days.  I think I’ll always look back and be so thankful for them opening their home to us and allowing us to temporarily take over. 

But we did it. A post-death “milestone.” We slept in our bed with our new bedding thanks to my mom and sisters. It doesn’t seem like much but to me, it was. We honestly slept really well (probably with the help of my newfound anxiety medicine - your daily reminder that mental health is essential). However, one thing I was not prepared for after Knox’s passing (which how would you prepare for anything after your infant child unexpectedly passes away) was the fact that my milk production wouldn’t just stop.  The morning of his passing, I was holding him in my arms and started to leak milk. It was a humiliating, sad moment. In the days to follow, everyone was telling me to drink water and make sure I was hydrated as we started our grieving process, but I didn’t want that moment to happen again. Thankfully, I have only had to pump 3 times since that day but when I layed in bed, snuggled up to a teddy bear gifted to me, and was smelling Knox’s swaddle, I started to emanate milk. Another reminder that he isn’t here. Truthfully, it makes me feel really sorry for myself. 

I feel like now that I’ve started, I could just keep going on and on and on but I’ll wrap it up here because again, this may feel like blabber to you (it feels like blabber to myself). But I did it. I’m determined to write whether it’s to help me, help someone else, or just to bring awareness to helping and supporting bereaved moms such as myself. 

There are some moments where I’ve been really proud of myself the past 10 days. When I push “publish” following this sentence, it will be one of them. 

Thanks for being here. For me. For my family. For Knox.